Parents Should Set Boundaries & Stay Vigilant

The following article is posted with permission from Dawn Prosser, Communications Director, Lumen Media and was written by Renee Webb, Content and Design Coordinator, Lumen Media.

(This is the second article in a 2-part series about the impact of social media on children and teens.)

In an article that was published in LumeNotes on April 2, a therapist from Catholic Charities in the Diocese of Sioux City revealed a sobering statistic that 95% of youth ages 13 to 17 report using social media and one-third of them say their use is constant.

According to Nate Phillips, clinical supervisor of children and school-based services, girls spend more time on social media than boys – 5.3 hours versus 4.4 hours a day.

Comparisons

“A lot of the challenges with girls is that there are lot of comparisons,” he said, acknowledging that is probably not surprising. “If I do this, then I’ll be prettier. If I do this, I’ll be funnier.”

For girls in particular, but even for boys, he noted the comparisons can be a real detriment to the young people especially if they have pre-existing conditions of anxiety or depression.

Between research that shows most teens are on social media for long periods and the recent trial finding two large social media companies liable for creating platforms designed to be addictive, the negative impact of social media on youth is becoming more apparent but Phillips said the long-term impact is unknown.

Given that social media usage among young people appears to be commonplace rather than the exception, many parents are seeking advice on what can be done to help the situation.

Be it parents, grandparents or guardians, Phillips said what is often dreaded most is battle, the fight over the limits.

“They don’t want to deal with the confrontation of setting the boundary,” he said. “How do you go backwards on something you have allowed to happen?”

If parents notice themselves shying away from something they know should be addressed, the therapist suggested they get help by talking to someone they trust or maybe even a support group. Planning out discussions with their children is also a good idea.

“Remain calm, caring and confident – even if you don’t feel that way,” said the clinical supervisor.

Moderation

“I feel like teaching moderation and self-control is important here,” said Phillips, who stressed the fact that gaming can be one piece of what people like to do in life not the whole of what they do.

He asked parents to pay attention, be engaged, ask questions and do not take one-off answers from their children such as “it’s fine, never mind or it’s none of your business” as the end of the conversation.

“I recently heard one expert talk about when we were growing up we’d go outside and play for hours. While we were outside, we had to solve our own problems for the most part. If you got in a fight with Brad down the street, you had to figure out how you would deal with it,” noted Phillips, who noted the digital frontier may be one of the last places where children can learn to solve problems on their own.

He acknowledged that the world has changed and so has parenting.

Referring to the parenting program Love and Logic offered by Catholic Charities, Phillips said they teach it is important for children to make decisions and solve problems when the stakes are small because when they get on their own the mistakes become bigger and consequences are correspondingly detrimental.

“The more that we can stay engaged with them and help them understand what it is they are going through while encouraging them to solve their own problems, the better off they will be in the long run,” he said. “I’m not saying this is an easy job – it’s radically tough and kids have found ingenious ways of getting around parents’ efforts to monitor them.”

The therapist recommended parents reach out to other parents to find out what is working for them.

Phillips noted that he did have one family that opted to have no electronic summers but mentioned that it could be a big challenge for the parents.

Need for connection

“I also realize that if we pull our kids off of social media and gaming, we are also pulling them away from their friends,” he said. “That is the place where a lot of social engagement is occurring.”

Human connection, the therapist added, is important and people do better when they have a sense of belonging.

“It is hard-wired into us to want to be connected,” said Phillips. “We can find groups that make us feel less alone. We can find groups that share specific interests.” For instance, he has an interest in model trains and belongs to some of those online groups.

While online connections may not always be as fruitful as in person, he said they still offer the chance for belonging. Plus, gaming can serve as a form of relaxation.

“I game. I like gaming and I use social media to stay in contact with my friends across the country. It’s wonderful,” the clinical supervisor said. “I get to talk to my family in Chicago. It’s beautiful.”

Although Phillips is not aware of specific recommendations for social media time limits, he noted setting boundaries and limits are key, even if it means conflict may result.

By establishing limits ahead of time and defining what will happen if they go over on time, he said children are more accepting of consequences. It can also provide teaching opportunities and a chance to practice coping skills if children have an intense anger response.

Phillips mentioned the coping skill of 4-4-6 breathing for children – breathe in for four seconds, exhale for four seconds and sit for six seconds – which can be used regularly to help develop emotional self-regulation.

Rather than advocating for no social media or gaming, he said helping youth navigate social media safely, with moderation and parental vigilance may work best option for most families.

Phillips recalled the words of Uncle Ben to Peter Parker (Superman), who said “with great power comes great responsibility. We have to teach our children how to responsibly handle this power.”

He cautioned against using social media as a babysitter, urging parents to take an active role in the lives of their children when they are gaming.

“So, the reality is this: our children will be the most connected/disconnected generation to walk this earth. We as adults have the very difficult job to try and figure out how to help them venture into this challenging space,” he summed it up.

Read part 1 in the series.